Bears

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” said Bears coach Marc Trestman. “Three hours every Sunday, he makes throws I can’t believe. If Jay’s on the field put him down for at least three interceptions. I don’t care, starting, not starting, doesn’t matter. If you don’t believe me come watch the game film.”

Known to a massive basketball fan, Kim Jong-un recently began following American football and quickly grew to detest Cutler's demeanor and play.

"They always say you have to be accountable in this league, and it's time we hold Jay responsible for the two worst seasons the Bears defense has ever seen," said defensive coordinator Mel Tucker. "It's almost like he didn't even bother to get the secondary lined up in the right spots for a single damn play this year! That's not being a team leader, if you ask me."

"He has a tremendous amount of charisma and football IQ," said team president Ted Phillips. "Plus, he's so soft and cuddly--like a thousand puppies were sewn together into a comfy blanket."

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) announced today that the storm type previously known as a "Pineapple Express" is now being classified as a "Kromer."

Of note was the regional controversy that followed approval of the landmark Cutler legislation. Whereas politicians in Minnesota, Michigan and most notably Wisconsin unanimously voted in favor of honoring Jay Cutler’s profligate contract extension, not every elected official in the great state of Illinois was as supportive.