Bears

"Well, it's certainly humbling to be regarded above the likes of Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln," said Goodell. "But that's why we do independent investigations. You never know how they'll turn out. In this particular case, yay for me."

Bears President Ted Phillips defended his decision to offer the job to the entire NFL franchise, which was founded in 1919, by saying, "The Packers have a proven track record of managing to put a playoff team on the field, and if we're going to start things over, I think the Packers are the ones to lead us to where we want to go."

"This will be my most difficult role," said Neeson. "I've had to battle Nazis, human traffickers, even Darth Vader. But this is Jay Cutler. I'm not sure I've witnessed anyone as heartless. Chicago needs to be rescued and I'm just the man to do it."

It is unclear at this point if McCaskey was planning to sing the song himself or hire a professional singer to do the honors.

Taking up roughly 30 pages of a small-font Word document, the list contains a total of 1,309 areas in which the organization thinks it can improve. These range from the obvious, such as "#4: Hire a good head coach" to the more nuanced, as seen with "#832: Replace the ketchup dispensers at the concession stands of Soldier Field."

“Those two were wild, man. Coach Trestman does not fit the bill, but trust me, the dude can party. I feel terrible about their dismissals,” stated Manziel. “I guess I’ll have to make it up to them when they join me in Vegas in a few weeks.”

"After this past season, we felt like we had to shake things up," said a team official. "Our coaches, general manager, and yes, our mascot Staley Da Bear were all part of the problem, and they had to go. It was hard to part ways with Staley, who has been such a central part of the organization the last 11 years, but sometimes you have to make the difficult decisions if you want to move forward as a team."