Bears

“As my butler was conducting my annual spring cleaning, we noticed three Jumbotrons collecting dust in my basement,” McCaskey stated. “I decided to save one for my grandchildren’s video games and have the other two hooked up in the stadium. It sure beats those old rust buckets we had in there before.”

"We were surprised about the suspension for Brady. However, Ted [Phillips] and I quickly acted afterwards. If Tom Brady could be suspended, then sure as hell we could suspend Jay," said an emphatic McCaskey. "Thank goodness the Wells Report mentioned the deflating and defeatist attitude of Jay. Once we saw the word deflating we knew that had to be about our 'so-called' leader. The folded arms, the eye roll, the don't-care attitude."

The trouble started when a Jets fan named Vinnie wearing his customized "Sanchize is the Franchise" jersey asked: “You’z guys know where I can get a New York slice in this freakin’ city?”

"I expect huge things out of Jay this year," he said. "I mean, the guy can hand off the rock with the best of them. Or at least as well as most professional quarterbacks not named Mark Sanchez. Of all his fumbles, maybe only two came on an exchange with Matt Forte."

In a shocking move that rattled Bears fans across the country, five-time Pro Bowl wide receiver Brandon Marshall was traded to the New Jersey Jets for a package of five weeks of Green Bay fans making fun of Bears fans for only getting a fifth-round draft pick for one of the best wide receivers in the league.

"I didn't know it was that bad here," he said, shaking his head and trying to take deep, relaxing breaths. "I mean, I saw some highlights during the season on SportsCenter, but I figured, hey, these guys were 5-11. It's not like they were a huge mess or something. But, man was I wrong."

"My tractor's a beauty, but it doesn't have any heat," said Schultz. "About 30 minutes into the ride I had to stop at Shopko to pick up a new pair of Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls to help stay warm for the long drive to Phoenix. That's where my family found me and broke the terrible news."