Captain Serious promoted to Colonel Kickass
“I was unsure whether to accept the rank at first,” said the always-modest Toews. “But we hockey guys never turn down a good nickname. Heck, we rarely turn down a bad one.”
NHL rulebook update: beating Hawks, Sharks in regulation now worth three points
“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”
Animated GIF Gallery: Luongo crying and Sedin brothers diving
See Roberto Luongo and the Sedin brothers in all their crying, diving glory with these fun animated GIFs.
NHL to play during halftime of NBA games
“Most owners like the deal because stadiums will already be full. Players like it because they get paid to do one-third of the work,” said mediator Ron Carter. “And Commissioner Bettman is ecstatic because it abolishes all Canadian teams except for one.”
New Cubs Schierholtz, Fujikawa promptly put Chicago homes up for sale
“I figure I haven’t hung anything up yet, so there are no holes in the walls,” said Schierholtz. “My dog hasn’t peed anywhere. Why risk it?”
Bettman responds to criticism and threats by puffing-out like a blowfish
Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.
NHL cancels holidays, month of December, passing of year
“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”
