Canada

The manager of GameStop Detroit phoned 911 and pleaded for help, "They're trying to break in! They want to play their game but we think it's an unfair deal for GameStop. A game of this caliber should be going for $70, not $60! I mean, come on! There's a new freaking skating physics engine for Christ's sake. These gamers have had it too good for too long!"

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

The city of Vancouver is taking the unusual precaution of spraying flame retardant chemicals on its entire downtown area should the city's unruly citizens react violently if the Canucks are swept out of the playoffs by the Kings Wednesday night.

"There's no one associated with this league -- from Gary Bettman on down to each and every hockey fan out there -- who's not wanted to wallop a Sedin brother in the head at some point," said Shanahan. "It's something we've all wanted to do and Duncan got to live out everyone's fantasy last night."

The Chicago Blackhawks are playing the Vancouver Canucks this evening. Naturally, Vancouver goalie Roberto Luongo will be on the bench.

Blackhawks fans excited to see their team exact revenge on the hated Canucks for last season's playoff elimination were severely disappointed Sunday night as Chicago laid an egg and was blown out 6-2 on their home ice. But there is a bit of a silver lining for those who watched it in person.

“I know the addition of a cape necessarily makes bad guys fear you,” said Toews. “But I feel that it would blow my cover as a regular-looking guy who also might punch you in the mouth. Unless it’s an invisibility cloak. But I haven’t heard anything about that.”