International

“We’ve been draining every ounce of energy from this song for several years,” said Bowman. “Honestly, at this point it’s become way too humble. Seriously. We’ve got rings, plural. Girls. Whirlpools. The guys are popping out babies left and right. It’s time to rap about it.”

“We are in a peak period for the game,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “16 teams will make the playoffs, and 14 teams will miss the playoffs and that is certainly a factual statement about the NHL that cannot be disputed. Please don’t ask me to elaborate further.”

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."

“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”

“I was unsure whether to accept the rank at first,” said the always-modest Toews. “But we hockey guys never turn down a good nickname. Heck, we rarely turn down a bad one.”

Korean baseball players like to bat flip, this we know, but it appears the bat flip has finally gone too far. Perhaps the greatest bat flipper of all time, Choi Jun-Seok, has now been arrested several times for flipping his bat in public places, such as the middle of an outdoor market, a restaurant and a theater.

Jake Beckers loves America, baseball, hotdogs and not much else.