Pennsylvania

Employing the same formula that brought them championships in 1997 and 2003, the Miami Marlins announced that they have signed free agents Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Ryan Madson and immediately began planning the fire sale that has shortly followed those two World Series titles.

"It was pretty graphic," teammate James Neal told reporters. "I mean, we'll be walking to the ice for practice, and he'll start rubbing his temples and complaining that he thinks the headaches are coming back, and after a while he starts screaming, 'Oh no concussion!' then the next thing you know... pop. His head just explodes. It looks exactly like that scene from 'Scanners.' We all rush over and Sid just starts laughing at us. Not cool."

Jonathan Papelbon will be leaving the Red Sox to blow crucial saves for the Phillies after signing a fat free-agent contract with Philly earlier today that pays him $40 million over four years.

"Is this how it feels when you don't get sacked nine times in a game?" asked Cutler moments after the Bears finished off a 30-24 Monday Night Football win over the Eagles. "I'm walking without a pronounced limp and none of my extremities are tingling. I could get used to this."

After a seemingly endless bye week, the Bears return to the field Monday night in Philly against the hated Eagles. Follow all the fun and nonsense along with our Bingo board. Let us know when you win and we might just have a prize for you.

"Do I really have to explain?" asked Vick when a reporter pushed him to express how he was feeling after the loss. "Do I really have to explain how I'm feeling, sitting here at one and three? Good sir, I would prefer to not answer that question and instead have you rot in hell."

The NHL has struggled for years to become more popular with Americans, and with Monday's announcement they will cross promote stars with cable giant HBO, they may have found their opportunity.