Pennsylvania

In response to a very boring year and Northwestern being relevant for the Rose Bowl, Big Ten Football has announced a name change for their Leaders and Legends Divisions: the Lousy and Lackluster Divisions.

After a putrid loss against the Milwaukee Brewers in which they only collected two hits, the New York Mets forgot to show up for their regularly-scheduled home game against the Phillies on Monday night, citing that "we thought the season ended already."

"This really is for the fans of the other Big Ten teams who have been wrongfully abused by Penn State for the past 13 years," said Big Ten Network President Mark Silverman. "Fans of craphouse football programs like Indiana can now go back and essentially wipe out a bad memory by watching these games."

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

"I realize what a mistake it was to kill all those people," Champ barked. "But c'mon, that was like five years ago! I'm a totally different dog now and I want my pups to experience the joy of having a human owner. Just because I made a small mistake by viciously abusing and murdering some humans, doesn't mean my puppies should pay the price."

As A.J. Burnett effortlessly mowed down hapless Cubs hitters at Wrigley Tuesday night, fans in attendance were mostly oblivious to the fact the Pirates starter was just four outs away from a no-hitter.

Desperate to raise cash after getting hit with a $60 million fine by the NCAA Monday, Penn State listed the now-removed Joe Paterno statue on eBay, where it hopes to fetch top dollar for the otherwise worthless 900-pound piece of bronze that stood outside Beaver Stadium until yesterday.