East

Undaunted by Brian Roberts' name appearing in the Mitchell Report and his subsequent admission to using steroids, Cubs GM Jim Hendry is set to acquire the Orioles second baseman, according to reports on Chicagosports.com. The reported deal has the Cubs acquiring Roberts in exchange for infielder Ronny Cedeno, and young pitchers Sean Gallagher and Sean Marshall.

After an extremely quiet offseason, particularly by New York standards, the Yankees have made an April splash by signing the Geico Caveman to be the team's designated hitter.

New England Patriots' center Dan Koppen announced today he is carrying a love child of quarterback and super stud Tom Brady, who is already linked to the unborn children of actress Bridget Moynahan, model Gisele Bundchen and the woman who voices the character of housewife Lois Griffin of "The Family Guy" (Brady made a guest appearance on the animated comedy last year).

After winning the NL MVP Award and nearly leading the Phillies to the Wild Card last season, Ryan Howard hit it big--sort of--when he signed a one-year deal that will reportedly pay him $900,000 in 2007. Not exactly big money for a guy who hit 58 HRs last year, but Howard, a baseball visionary since his high school days in Lafayette, Mo., is setting his sights on bankrupting the Phillies by 2012.

Why They Might Be Good: Ha. Tee hee. Heh heh heh. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Ha.

Why They Might Be Good: Exceedingly wealthy future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James told his teammates that if they help him get to the Eastern Conference finals, he’ll give them each a check for $3 billion, leaving him with a personal bank account of just over $16 quintillion.

Why They Might Be Good: Creaky Charlotte co-owner Michael Jordan will not be taking the court. "I very badly wanted to play," Jordan griped. "I'm in great shape. I've never shot better. But [Bobcats majority owner] Robert Johnson said that if he sees me in a pair of sneakers, he'll club me like a baby seal." Also, oddly versatile swingman Gerald Wallace is a legitimate threat to get a sextuple-double each night.