East

“With the support of Jesus, the fans, and my family, I’ve learned the error of my ways,” Burress said. “I am a changed man. The next time I go into a nightclub with a bunch of strippers and hoodlums, I will have a trigger lock on my unregistered firearm."

“It’s impossible,” Scaramone said. “There’s no way we would’ve lost if Sheila had worn her rally cap like I told her to.”

“We went with Parrot because he won’t scare kids away, like Captain Jolly possibly might,” said the team's head of marketing.

The Yankees shortstop has been progressing extremely slowly toward the milestone, averaging just 1.2 hits per month this season.

“With Lockout Edition, you generate points on what a player does off the field, instead of on it,” said an ESPN.com representative. “Points will be awarded based on players who get charged with a DUI, murder, rape, possession of a firearm, possession of a controlled substance, animal cruelty, and so on.”

“I was worried some of the players weren’t going to show up this year because of all the talk about them being cash-strapped,” said Wilf. “But it turns out their giant signing bonuses and outrageous salaries were enough to keep them owning yachts despite this short work stoppage.”

Marty Brennaman has been making other bold statements on behalf of the general public, saying such things as “People hate corn. Corn is the most hated vegetable,” and “Jim and Pam, Ross and Rachel, people have rooted against couples like this for ages.”