East

"We had hoped they'd be able to jump start Jason and David, but Con Edison told us they can only do so much," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "I suppose we should be happy we have electricity at our stadium, but I was really hoping to find a way we could get a little more pop out of these guys."

"I'm excited to welcome Shannon and Cris to our team and we expect them to become instant playmakers due to the fact that we had no decent receivers or tight ends other than Hakeem Nicks," said coach Tom Coughlin. "Since losing Steve and Kevin, our receiving corps looked pathetic"

Tom Brady felt he had little to worry about after the NFL Network forecasted his 2011 outlook as “strong” simply for nurturing his punishing good looks during the offseason.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

The Mets have acquired Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw, but not in the conventional way. Starting in the 2012 season, the Mets and Dodgers will be combined to form one “Super Team.”

“We were simply a mess in game 1 against the Panthers,” said Manning with a sigh. “No third down conversions, linemen flying around like chickens with their heads cut off, a grand total of 36 yards passing. I’m over it. Let David Carr play the rest of the preseason. I’ve got better things to do. I’m going to watch my brother’s highlights.”

"Bernie and Steve Phillips, the fan greeter [no relation to former Mets GM Steve Phillips], are two great additions to the New York Mets organization," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Bernie's great enthusiasm, curve ball and knowledge of beer and hops will undoubtedly help our organization in fan entertainment, overall on-field talent and alcohol sales."