East

After an abominable 21 incomplete passes in last week's game against the Giants, the Patriots are forcing Tom Brady to fly to games in coach with the general public.

Jonathan Papelbon will be leaving the Red Sox to blow crucial saves for the Phillies after signing a fat free-agent contract with Philly earlier today that pays him $40 million over four years.

Jay Cutler has a new admirer, with whom he now shares the unique quality of what the youth nowadays refer to as “that ass.” What started with an innocent tweet from Cutler’s on-again-off-again girlfriend and reality starlet Kristin Cavallari, has turned everyone’s eyes towards the QB’s ba-donk-a-donk.

At the beginning of the year, Ohio State was the red-headed step child of the Big Ten and perhaps of all college football, taking beatings in the pocketbook, the press, as well as on the field. But after a shocking week of scandal involving the Penn State coaching staff, the Buckeyes are now being seen in a different light.

“Well played, fundamentally sound teams are boring. They’re boring,” said one self-proclaimed New York die-hard. “What the heck am I supposed to call the radio and moan about? The Yankees pitching staff?”

Kidnapped Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was allowed to make one phone call to the media Thursday night but instead of conveying demands for ransom money or ensuring family members of his own safety, he used the time to make what he felt was a much more serious announcement.

"Is this how it feels when you don't get sacked nine times in a game?" asked Cutler moments after the Bears finished off a 30-24 Monday Night Football win over the Eagles. "I'm walking without a pronounced limp and none of my extremities are tingling. I could get used to this."