East

In a controversial decision handed down to the New York Mets late on Thursday, the Entertainment Rating Association of America (ERAA) has ruled that Mets games are actually hazardous for the development of young children who go to the ballpark and watch the games.

Berra is no stranger to ceremonial first pitches, having kicked off the 2009 American League Division Series against the Minnesota Twins. He has been putting Posada through the necessary paces: the walk to the mound, the wave to the crowd, and the foreign substance on the ball.

"I'm excited to bring St. Nash to the top of the league and bring this community, and myself, a championship," D'Antoni said at his introductory team meeting, held in the basement of starting point guard Tommy Antholin.

"You can't blame them for leaving," said a Boston Red Sox player who asked not to be named. "You grow up eating fried chicken before, during, and after ballgames. And now, it's all gone."

"You know, with this Mets team you never expect them to score any runs, especially by hitting a ball over the fence for automatic runs," Mr. Capozzi said from his hospital bed. "After Duda's second homer, and the team's third of the game, I was so shocked and surprised that my body couldn't take it anymore."

"It was actually an easier decision than you might think," GM Brian Cashman said Sunday. "Because we lost both games of the first 1/81st portion of the season, we can't come back and become a successful playoff team come October. I mean, if this team doesn't win every single game of every season, then there is no reason to think we can be good."

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”