East

"This club is no stranger to remarkable pitching performances," said GM Sandy Alderson. "Over the years, we've been no-hit a total of 9,999 times. You could almost say the team is built to be humiliated like that."

“It was corny,” said Mets second baseman Daniel Murphy. “Seriously, I still don’t know what the heck happened. I think I heard them chant ‘Geico’ or something. Was that what it was?”

"We just can't give up easy lay-ups," Rondo added. "We also need to remember that dropping a few chlorine tabs in a bucket of ammonia by the ventilation system is key. You know, it's all about playing quality basketball."

“This is the difference between Heinz Ketchup and Hunt’s Catsup,” said one interested buyer. “It probably would have taken me 20 years to turn a profit on the Mets. With the Yanks I’ll be swimming in gold coins in two years, Scrooge McDuck style.”

"After about five minutes on the set I realized what a bunch of idiots I would be up against so I decided to spend my three-week summer break crushing these morons," said Belichick, sifting through a stack of several dozen vinyl disco records taken from his latest haul.

Even though a potential deal is far from coming to fruition, it makes perfect sense for both parties. AARP makes its money by trying to make the lives of retired people better and the Yankees make their money by selling fans tickets to see old, washed-up, overpaid, and useless players who should probably be playing chess or shuffleboard instead of baseball.

Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring sold at auction for over $230,000 this week. Even more amazing than the price was the mystery winner, Charlie Sheen.