East

"What you're looking at is a live feed of Tim Tebow's visage on the surface of Mars," said ESPN football analyst Adam Schefter. "Wow. This is definitely going to create a QB controversy here in the Milky Way ... and also at Jets camp."

"I realize what a mistake it was to kill all those people," Champ barked. "But c'mon, that was like five years ago! I'm a totally different dog now and I want my pups to experience the joy of having a human owner. Just because I made a small mistake by viciously abusing and murdering some humans, doesn't mean my puppies should pay the price."

As A.J. Burnett effortlessly mowed down hapless Cubs hitters at Wrigley Tuesday night, fans in attendance were mostly oblivious to the fact the Pirates starter was just four outs away from a no-hitter.

“We find it best to just let him think what he wants to think,” said an anonymous employee of Dolan’s. “It’s like his ears have a Knicks filter. Everything is about the Knicks. Eventually he’ll realize this was a hockey move, but for now, we’ll let him be.”

“It’s a cult, simply put,” said Jack Zduriencik, Mariners’ Executive Vice President and GM. “He’s been there a few days and they’re already pumping that aura and mystique [expletive] into his brain.”

Desperate to raise cash after getting hit with a $60 million fine by the NCAA Monday, Penn State listed the now-removed Joe Paterno statue on eBay, where it hopes to fetch top dollar for the otherwise worthless 900-pound piece of bronze that stood outside Beaver Stadium until yesterday.

NCAA President Mark Emmert handed his organization the feared "death penalty" Monday morning, forcing itself to shut down all operations for four years in light of the Jerry Sandusky Penn State scandal.