East

"We've held this trademark for generations," said Snyder. "You can't just give it to us and then take it away like a bunch of Indian givers."

Moving forward, Snyder hopes that the team once known by the horribly offensive moniker of Redskins can now be called the "Scalper Warriors who do battle with the spirit warriors of the Cowboy, Giant and Eagle Tribes."

"Super excited!" said an exuberant Weir. "This is LA vs New York, East vs. West, Broadway vs Hollywood. The only disappointment is the Blackhawks aren't involved. To me they have the best outfits. Of course Henrik Lundqvist is here. There's a man that's put together. It's a shame he has to wear that mask for three hours."

"This terrible situation has taught me a very valuable lesson," said Rice. "Never, ever hit your wife in a place where there could be security cameras recording your actions for all the world to see."

The basketball world was shocked Thursday when TNT analyst Steve Kerr spurned the Knicks' offer to be their head coach. Left flatfooted with no other candidates in mind, owner James Dolan hastily announced that Jackson will serve as the team's coach next year via Skype video chat.

Sure, Peyton has Sirius XM and Papa John's. Brady has Under Armour. Even Jadaveon Clowney just signed a deal with Puma. But none of them have an exclusive multi-year deal with the frat house that brought you last year’s sickest party, the Kegasaurus Ice Luge Bro-Down Foam Body Shot Spring-Fling Vodkaritaville Lost Weekend.

"I keep forgetting that," said Jordan. "Well, Jerry [Reinsdorf] has two teams. We're not even a real team. Aren't we the Hornets again? Who do we even have? Al Harrington?"