Ohio

"I know we have the reputation of being a loser, but have you looked at Cleveland's roster?" said Generals coach and owner Red Klotz. "They won 19 games last year. And don't get me started on teams like the T'Wolves, Bucks, Pacers, Raptors, Warriors, Kings, Bobcats and Wizards. Our ball boys could give some of these shitty teams a run for their money."

"Watching my kids grow up, having dinner every night with my beautiful wife ... at the end of the day, just really underwhelming," said the new Ohio State coach, who left Florida abruptly after the 2009 season.

At the beginning of the year, Ohio State was the red-headed step child of the Big Ten and perhaps of all college football, taking beatings in the pocketbook, the press, as well as on the field. But after a shocking week of scandal involving the Penn State coaching staff, the Buckeyes are now being seen in a different light.

Following Palmer's trade to the Raiders, fantasy owners everywhere scurried to either add him to an already mediocre stable of quarterbacks or to persuade league competitors that Palmer is a much more lucrative pickup than a middling running back, up and coming wide receiver, or second kicker.

"Simpson's career might be up in smoke and I just wish he would have thought of all his fantasy owners before making such a stupid decision," wrote Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football Reporter Cody Findlay.

"I would proceed with caution both when approaching a most likely intoxicated Benson in an Austin bar and when considering drafting him for my fantasy league," said Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football Reporter Cody Findlay. "He's a bit of a wild card, both drunk and sober."

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."