Cleveland

"When the Browns hired me, a baseball executive from the moneyball movement who was the general manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers during their second worst season since 1958, to oversea the overhaul of the Cleveland Browns as their Chief Strategy Officer, answerable only to the team president, I knew that they were willing to get their team on track."

The man now dubbed "Johnny Hero" jumped off of his inflatable party swan, grabbed the girl’s T-One Mobile Sidekick away from her and then -- while in mid-air -- found time to take a picture of himself giving his patented cash money sign, all before safely landing on a pile of rolled up hundreds he had misplaced earlier in the evening.

Previous recipients played an entire season through unbelievable adversity. However, none of those people could hold a candle to the man who was able to hang like a rock star in Vegas getting drunk on the back of an inflatable swan, all the while never missing a single OTA.

"We didn't care about the Heat for the four-year period between our first championship and the signing of LeBron, and we sure as hell won't care now," said George Varela of Pompano Beach.

"If you look at it, only about 25 percent is destroyed," said Sal Wellmuler of Shaker Heights. "About half of the rest of it is covered in soot and char marks. There's got to be a way to get that stuff out of it, right?"

Sure, Peyton has Sirius XM and Papa John's. Brady has Under Armour. Even Jadaveon Clowney just signed a deal with Puma. But none of them have an exclusive multi-year deal with the frat house that brought you last year’s sickest party, the Kegasaurus Ice Luge Bro-Down Foam Body Shot Spring-Fling Vodkaritaville Lost Weekend.

Highlights will include Bynum’s trip to the airport, the failed team physical and of course the lengthy dialogue between Bynum and the equipment manager about which bowling alleys near the United Center had the best Chinese food buffet.