New York State

“Hochuli has an encyclopedic knowledge of the NFL rules, seems to have a good relationship with the league’s officiating crews, and scored a 49 on the Wunderlic test,” said head coach Rex Ryan.

While both sides are willing to make some concessions to end its lockout, neither side is budging on Mets shortstop Jose Reyes. The Republicans want to trade him to the highest bidder, like the Boston Red Sox, Manchester United or Exxon Mobil. But Democrat Nancy Pelosi insists that Reyes and Stanford senior Andrew Luck are untradeable because “we cannot mortgage the future to fund our excesses of today.”

Of all the Mets on the block, Carlos Beltran and Jonathan Niese seem to be the only ones drawing major interest, but Alderson insists he’ll do all in his power to move “the other guys.”

Due to the recent cutbacks in government funding, the Department of Justice revealed that it must reduce WITSEC (The Federal Witness Protection Program), most notably by disbanding the New York Islanders.

“Did you know the all-time record of 2-out base hits against an American League team located in Illinois is 17?” asked manager Joe Girardi. “And our leadoff batter is just two clutch hits away from surpassing that mark.”

Brewers manager Ron Roenicke announced today that newly acquired Francisco Rodriguez will be setting up John Axford for the remainder of the season. He was cryptic in his reasoning, but it is believed he made the decision with overweight fans in mind.

"Now that I get a break from all this legal stress, nothing satisfies my thirst better than a good old-fashioned glass of HGH, just like Brian McNamee used to make," the retired pitcher told reporters.