New York State

"Bernie and Steve Phillips, the fan greeter [no relation to former Mets GM Steve Phillips], are two great additions to the New York Mets organization," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Bernie's great enthusiasm, curve ball and knowledge of beer and hops will undoubtedly help our organization in fan entertainment, overall on-field talent and alcohol sales."

In a shocking move Monday, Mets outfielder Lucas Duda asked manager Terry Collins if he could be demoted from the big-league club down to its Triple-A affiliate Buffalo Bisons due to a lack of fans at Citi Field. This is the first time a a player has never before asked for a demotion from the majors to the minors.

"That right there is the [expletive deleted] Plaxico Burress we all know and love," said Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "See. He's not some dumb [expletive deleted] who walks around with a gun in his sweat pants. He's the greatest receiver ever and that catch proves it."

“I’m 24, she’s 16,” said Sanchez. “That’s close enough, right? We can still get down.” When Sanchez’ lawyers confirmed that the age of consent in New Jersey is indeed 16, Sanchez replied, “Sweeeet.”

The Mid-Atlantic Championship of the Little League World Series was rocked by its biggest scandal in 10 years when the Bronx team’s starting pitcher, Danny Almonte III, was declared too old to compete in the tournament.

“I was misquoted,” claimed the normally shy Manning. “I’m actually a class above Tom Brady.”

“Is it technically legal? No,” said WNBA Commissioner Laurel J. Richie. “I just don’t think anyone’s going to put up a stink about Jeffries playing in our league.”