New York State

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez issued a hand-written apology to Yankee fans, the Steinbrenner family and his teammates for having dated plastic surgery-ridden, post-menopausal pop star Madonna.

“Look guys, it’s really simple," said Ryan. "My Dad coached the Bears. They had a good defense and we have a good defense. Rex played for the Bears and almost beat Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl. 2006 Grossman is due. Plus, his name is Rex, and my name is also Rex.”

Justin Verlander has arranged something that is likely to trump what any other team has given Jeter: swimsuit super model Kate Upton.

The Cross-Fat Games combine High-Intensity Interval Eating with Olympic beer drinking and plyometric sundae snacking. The inaugural games were won by the rubinesque Colon who narrowly beat out former Lions QB Scott Mitchell, who is apparently now huge.

"I give those teams a lot of credit," said Anthony. "It was really creative for them to do what all the bloggers have been doing for more than 10 years and Photoshop me in their jersey."

"Super excited!" said an exuberant Weir. "This is LA vs New York, East vs. West, Broadway vs Hollywood. The only disappointment is the Blackhawks aren't involved. To me they have the best outfits. Of course Henrik Lundqvist is here. There's a man that's put together. It's a shame he has to wear that mask for three hours."

The basketball world was shocked Thursday when TNT analyst Steve Kerr spurned the Knicks' offer to be their head coach. Left flatfooted with no other candidates in mind, owner James Dolan hastily announced that Jackson will serve as the team's coach next year via Skype video chat.