New York State

After fielding complaints about Mets games causing severe boredom and migraine headaches, MLB commissioner Bud Selig has decided to permanently black out all of the team's games for the rest of their existence.

Anything you can do we can do ... better? Not to be outdone by their new instate rival, Knicks owner James Dolan has reached an agreement to sell a small portion of the Knicks to recording artist Nas.

"I have no excuses for this team at all," a still visibly-perturbed Collins said at a postgame press conference. "When we want them to win, they lose. When we want them to lose, they win."

“We find that, by having banned supersized soda, crime and murder are eliminated from our streets,” the mayor said. “We are taking it a step further and anticipate a city filled with citizens who whistle while they work because they no longer have the Mets weighing heavy on their minds.”

After a putrid loss against the Milwaukee Brewers in which they only collected two hits, the New York Mets forgot to show up for their regularly-scheduled home game against the Phillies on Monday night, citing that "we thought the season ended already."

Collins' resignation had been hinted at by the skipper ever since he started with the team, mainly due to the ineptness that the Mets' franchise normally displays. In addition, Collins also mentioned in his exit press conference that upon his leaving the Mets' organization, he would immediately start work as a librarian in Greenwich, Connecticut, where he has a home.

Mets overpaid, underproductive, terrible, and Canadian outfielder Jason Bay retired from the sport of baseball today after going on an unprecedented hot streak of three hits in his last five at-bats, including a grand slam.