Yankees

A day after requesting that prosecutors pay his attorney fees associated with his recent mistrial, disgraced former pitcher Roger Clemens is now demanding that authorities also replace the cache of steroids he flushed down his toilet in case there were raids on his home.

Celebrations rang through Libya Thursday when the evil tyrant Mohammar Qaddafi was finally brought to justice by a man in a Yankee cap, and the Yankees are claiming that it was no coincidence.

"With New York out of the picture, we have determined that the rest of the post-season is simply not fiscally viable," said Fox Sports spokesperson, Stacey Cooper. "We've informed [MLB commissioner] Bud Selig of our decision and he has, understandably, consented."

"It is just disgusting that we lost to these bums," said Rodriguez. "Their payroll is only $100 million. What is this, 1999? Talk about living below the poverty line. They can't even afford personal assistants for their batboys."

"Earlier this week I said Justin was done for the series, but that was before we gave up 10 runs Tuesday night," said Leyland. "He's all we've got right now so we're going to win or lose this thing by riding on Justin's arm."

CC Sabathia and the Yankees are one game away from elimination, and CC Sabathia only has himself and a fictional naval commander to blame for it. During a post-game interview Monday night, a box of Peanut Butter Crunch, was visible in the hefty hurler’s locker, which led to his tearful admission that he was back on the Cap’n Crunch wagon.

The Heckler's Fall 2011 issue is out. If you're a paid subscriber, check your email for download information. Also, non-subscribers can download the PDF for just 99 cents.