Yankees

“I’m batting .333 with the new Charlie’s Angels,” Jeter snapped, referring to his recently ended relationship with TV star Minka Kelly. “Those are Hall of Fame numbers right there. A-Rod? No. Pujols? No way. Name me one other person who has gotten to first base with any of the Angels.”

"I could just cheer for the Sox to win out against the Orioles, but they took three of four from us at home just last week" said Branham, whose Red Sox have won only six of 24 games this month. "No chance we sweep 'em."

Now that Mariano Rivera is the all-time MLB saves leader, many young New York fans are singing his praises and declaring him the greatest Yankee to ever live.

According to court documents, Burnett is not to be within 300 feet of Girardi at any time so not only will Burnett be left off the roster, he will not even be allowed in the dugout. The Yankees have given him the option to sit in the bullpen or purchase a luxury box at his own expense if he wishes to watch his teammates play for the title in person.

Someone in the Yankees front office will have some explaining to do after an ongoing investigation reveals the person responsible for trying to sell struggling pitcher AJ Burnett on Craigslist.

“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of 'Entourage' reruns every time they play.”

“I’m not interested in throwing my life away for a stupid game,” said Rodriguez. “It’s true that I went to some of these parties, but I didn’t go there to play poker. I went to those parties because they’re a great place to score drugs and get laid.”