New York

"This study comes as a surprise to no one," claimed Regina Benjamin, U.S. Surgeon General. "Mets fans have mostly been unable to achieve an erection since 1986, while many living Jets fans cannot become aroused even mentally."

"I think The Ghost of Manny can be a really great addition to our squad this year," said Alderson. "We knew we needed a fresh body to man the outfield, and when we called the The Ghost's agent up in Heaven, we got an excited response from an apparition who sounded enthused to join the Mets."

"These are the same casts that 10 or 15 Yankees will probably have to wear this season," said Yankees GM Brian Cashman. "For the low price of $34.99, you can experience 2013 just like a player on the field."

The Cubs surprised the sports world today, signing 35-year-old DH Travis Hafner to a 10-year, $125 million contract. The oft-injured former Cleveland Indian hasn't played more than 150 games in a season since 2007, but team president Theo Epstein said he finally couldn't resist the urge to frivolously spend his club's money on an aging veteran who does nothing to improve the team.

"I guarantee I'm going to win the Bro Bowl," Rex boasted during the pregame spread of chicken wings, nachos and Budweiser. "With Mark Sanchez as my triple-threat quarterback, there's no way my hack of a brother can take me down!"

"For most of my adult life, this team has been garbage, and I got accustomed to booing and stuff when Isiah was the coach and they would lose," said one fan. "So even when they win now, I boo."

"Whether or not he needs a colostomy remains to be seen," Whitman said. "We are also running tests to see if Mark is suffering from concussion problems after the play."