New York

“This late start to the season has me stressing and pressing about my dressing,” the legendary Knicks announcer said. “I have a prodigious closet with 100 new suits made from only the finest fabulous fabrics, and the fans are going to see them all.”

There’s a new A-Rod in town and his name is Aaron Rodgers. Alex Rodriguez has been legally forced to stop calling himself by his famous moniker, after a judge awarded the trademark to the Super Bowl champion QB.

Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum decided he had enough of the drama and bickering between the Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez and sent them to famed sports therapist Dr. Charles Johansen, to repair the relationship between coach and quarterback.

"The truth is that aerosol cans with white paint are simply becoming too expensive for our organization to constantly buy and use," said GM Sandy Alderson at his home on Friday. "School chalk is so much cheaper and we already have some from the chalkboard in the clubhouse so our first supply is already covered."

Texas State Police and a few Texas Rangers were called to the home of Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan after neighbors reported a big dust up in the front yard. When law enforcement arrived, Rob had hos brother Rex in a headlock, repeatedly punching him in the ear.

Employing the same formula that brought them championships in 1997 and 2003, the Miami Marlins announced that they have signed free agents Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Ryan Madson and immediately began planning the fire sale that has shortly followed those two World Series titles.

In an effort to make one of its premier teams more exciting, the NFL will allow Giants’ running back Brandon Jacobs to line up next to the opposition’s defensive line effective immediately.