New York

"I have no excuses for this team at all," a still visibly-perturbed Collins said at a postgame press conference. "When we want them to win, they lose. When we want them to lose, they win."

“We find that, by having banned supersized soda, crime and murder are eliminated from our streets,” the mayor said. “We are taking it a step further and anticipate a city filled with citizens who whistle while they work because they no longer have the Mets weighing heavy on their minds.”

After a putrid loss against the Milwaukee Brewers in which they only collected two hits, the New York Mets forgot to show up for their regularly-scheduled home game against the Phillies on Monday night, citing that "we thought the season ended already."

Collins' resignation had been hinted at by the skipper ever since he started with the team, mainly due to the ineptness that the Mets' franchise normally displays. In addition, Collins also mentioned in his exit press conference that upon his leaving the Mets' organization, he would immediately start work as a librarian in Greenwich, Connecticut, where he has a home.

Mets overpaid, underproductive, terrible, and Canadian outfielder Jason Bay retired from the sport of baseball today after going on an unprecedented hot streak of three hits in his last five at-bats, including a grand slam.

The Chipper Jones retirement tour rolls into Citi Field this week, and the Mets plan to honor the future Hall of Famer with his biggest gift yet: partial ownership in the Mets franchise.

"Truthfully, I'm stunned right now and can't believe what my eyes are watching when Matt starts games for us," GM Sandy Alderson said after Wednesday's win over Philly.