Mets

"I have no excuses for this team at all," a still visibly-perturbed Collins said at a postgame press conference. "When we want them to win, they lose. When we want them to lose, they win."

“We find that, by having banned supersized soda, crime and murder are eliminated from our streets,” the mayor said. “We are taking it a step further and anticipate a city filled with citizens who whistle while they work because they no longer have the Mets weighing heavy on their minds.”

Collins' resignation had been hinted at by the skipper ever since he started with the team, mainly due to the ineptness that the Mets' franchise normally displays. In addition, Collins also mentioned in his exit press conference that upon his leaving the Mets' organization, he would immediately start work as a librarian in Greenwich, Connecticut, where he has a home.

Mets overpaid, underproductive, terrible, and Canadian outfielder Jason Bay retired from the sport of baseball today after going on an unprecedented hot streak of three hits in his last five at-bats, including a grand slam.

The Chipper Jones retirement tour rolls into Citi Field this week, and the Mets plan to honor the future Hall of Famer with his biggest gift yet: partial ownership in the Mets franchise.

"Truthfully, I'm stunned right now and can't believe what my eyes are watching when Matt starts games for us," GM Sandy Alderson said after Wednesday's win over Philly.

The company will now offer free stock in the New York Mets with the purchase of a large soda at retail price. McDonald's also said that it had at one point considered just placing stock on the Dollar Menu, but $1 per share was deemed to be far too expensive for part ownership in the Mets.