Mets

In a shocking move Monday, Mets outfielder Lucas Duda asked manager Terry Collins if he could be demoted from the big-league club down to its Triple-A affiliate Buffalo Bisons due to a lack of fans at Citi Field. This is the first time a a player has never before asked for a demotion from the majors to the minors.

Fans expecting a free gift at the Sept. 20 Mets game against Milwaukee will leave Citi Field empty handed now that Carlos Beltran has been dealt to the Giants. The Mets announced today they will cancel the giveaway celebrating the former center fielder’s famous growth.

When it was announced the bestselling book “Moneyball” would be adapted into a major motion picture, Mets front office staffer Paul DePodesta was beside himself with excitement until he learned a heavyset actor was playing his role.

Earlier this week, it was reported the Mets were looking to trade off their entire roster, but with the team now thrust into a playoff race, those plans have been tossed out of the window.

While both sides are willing to make some concessions to end its lockout, neither side is budging on Mets shortstop Jose Reyes. The Republicans want to trade him to the highest bidder, like the Boston Red Sox, Manchester United or Exxon Mobil. But Democrat Nancy Pelosi insists that Reyes and Stanford senior Andrew Luck are untradeable because “we cannot mortgage the future to fund our excesses of today.”

Of all the Mets on the block, Carlos Beltran and Jonathan Niese seem to be the only ones drawing major interest, but Alderson insists he’ll do all in his power to move “the other guys.”

Brewers manager Ron Roenicke announced today that newly acquired Francisco Rodriguez will be setting up John Axford for the remainder of the season. He was cryptic in his reasoning, but it is believed he made the decision with overweight fans in mind.