Jets

After the Jets' drubbed Jacksonville 32-3 at MetLife Stadium Sunday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced the Jaguars would be demoted to the United Football League due to their horrendous play and terrible uniforms.

Since his hire, Rex Ryan has made more controversial comments than any other NFL coach, and has never shown an ounce of remorse—until now. At his pre-game press conference Saturday, Ryan announced he would be turning over a new leaf.

Will Amar’e Stoudemire make the jump from worst supporting knees to best supporting actor? Do A-Rod and Tex have what it takes to crack the Hollywood elite? Can Michael Strahan sink a jump shot? Judging from this week’s episode of “Entourage,” the answer to these questions seems to be a resounding, “Yes.”

"That right there is the [expletive deleted] Plaxico Burress we all know and love," said Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "See. He's not some dumb [expletive deleted] who walks around with a gun in his sweat pants. He's the greatest receiver ever and that catch proves it."

“I’m 24, she’s 16,” said Sanchez. “That’s close enough, right? We can still get down.” When Sanchez’ lawyers confirmed that the age of consent in New Jersey is indeed 16, Sanchez replied, “Sweeeet.”

Earlier this week, the NYPD officially raised their threat alert to the heightened red level when they learned that Plaxico Burress signed with the Jets and will remain in the New York area.

“We were all hurting,” said a dancer named Sapphire as she shimmied down a pole. “Not only were we not getting guys in the champagne room, we couldn’t even get tips on the floor. Girls were going hungry. We thought we were going to have to go back to playing in the Lingerie Football League.”