Massachusetts

More than five years of attempts to preserve the endangered Nomar Garciaparra Cubs jersey have come up short, it was learned early Sunday. The last known Garciaparra No. 5 met its end when its caretaker, 31-year-old Phil Hurley of Des Plaines had much of his wardrobe set aflame by his ex-girlfriend during an epic fight that subsequently ended the couple’s relationship.

“I have accomplished all I want to in this game, from winning World Series to hair growth to getting suspended for steroids,” said the slugger as he climbed on the actual Devil Ray in the Tropicana Field tank for a quick ride. “Weeeeee, riding this fish is fun!"

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has become well-known for insisting on dressing like a Sherpa mountain guide on the sidelines. This has inspired the coach to introduce his own line of “NFL Sherpa Wear” for those who also wish to resemble unbathed, mud-covered mountain folk.

Bears coach Lovie Smith believes his team is poised for a late-season Super Bowl run after beating the Patriots 7-3 in the second half of Sunday's game at Soldier Field.

With the Bears-Patriots game just days away, both head coaches have begun trash-talking back and forth in ways that can only be heard by them. The lack of enunciation reached a fever pitch Wednesday when reporters asked Bears coach Lovie Smith if Tom Brady was the best quarterback in the league.

The red-hot Dodgers and their fans are reeling today after news broke that slugger Manny Ramirez will be handed a 50-game suspension for testing positive for what insiders are calling "Crazy Juice."

After Thursday night's triple overtime loss to the Bulls, reviled Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo announced he had signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers.