Massachusetts

Jonathan Papelbon will be leaving the Red Sox to blow crucial saves for the Phillies after signing a fat free-agent contract with Philly earlier today that pays him $40 million over four years.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced Lions DE Ndamukong Suh has been fined $20,000 for poking Patriots QB Tom Brady on Facebook earlier this week. It represents the league's latest effort to curb Suh's beastly intimidation tactics but is the first time he's been fined by the league for something done off the field.

Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski announced Monday he will be retiring from football immediately to focus on his first love of having sex with porn stars, which is how he reportedly spent his bye week after photos of him with 20-year-old porn star BiBi Jones were posted to Twitter last week.

In the first of many moves to come in his new role with the Cubs, Theo Epstein today traded the inexplicably popular old-timer G. Heileman to the Red Sox for the highly rated Samuel Adams.

As part of the deal, the much-heralded executive included a clause that the Cubs would send shortstop Starlin Castro to the Red Sox and be on the hook for Epstein’s 2012 salary as well as cash compensation for the deal, which would be paid to him.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” Mrs. Perry sobbed. “Theo was all I had. Boston’s most eligible bachelor is gone, and my dreams are gone with him!”

“John almost made it to the other end of the ice without falling,” Hawks coach Joel Quenneville said. “If he had picked a fight with [Shawn] Thornton at center ice, he would have regained his balance like he usually does and made it all the way.”