Massachusetts

"You can't blame them for leaving," said a Boston Red Sox player who asked not to be named. "You grow up eating fried chicken before, during, and after ballgames. And now, it's all gone."

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”

The Red Sox finally received compensation for Theo Epstein from the Cubs in the form of a right handed pitcher named Chris Carpenter – unfortunately nobody told new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine the it wasn’t the Cy Young-winning Chris Carpenter.

Former Celtics star Larry Bird was voted onto his 34th consecutive Eastern Conference All-Star team earlier this week, barely edging out LeBron James as the starting forward for the team—showing that the legend’s stranglehold on the position may be compromised sometime within the next half century.

"I could hardly believe my eyes when I opened that box and saw the Patriots won again," said a youngster named Sonkwe. "I've never seen a football game in my life, but I've been wearing my Patriots '19-0 Perfect Season' T-shirt every Sunday for four years. It reminds me that anything is possible."

In surprising fashion, Patriots' coach Bill Belichick blamed his team's Super Bowl XLVI loss on the gray sweatshirt he wears on the sidelines of most games. Supposedly, the monogrammed sweatshirt with "B.B." on it was only double-washed from the AFC Championship game as opposed to being triple-washed, which is what Belichick specifically asked for at the team's hotel laundry room.