Massachusetts

"I'm really good at eating pork rinds," Haynesworth noted. "I'm glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I'd like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks."

Despite Dominican papers saying otherwise, a paternity test taken in April by Pedro Martinez revealed that the New York Yankees are indeed his daddy.

When the Red Sox visited Wrigley Field this weekend, everyone expected Theo Epstein to have mixed emotions when facing his old team, but no one thought he'd react quite the way he did when the Cubs president locked himself in Boston's clubhouse and refused to leave until he was granted out of his five-year contract with Chicago.

"I said extend the series, not draw more attention to the league's corruption," said Stern. "Rigging the lottery was tough enough, now I have to deal with the Celtics letting LeBron [James] pour in 45? Let's make it a little believable guys."

As the few diehards left the American Airlines Arena after their team’s game 5 loss to the Celtics, one encouraging young fan shouted the words that may forever go down in infamy: “Good effort. Good job.”

"We just can't give up easy lay-ups," Rondo added. "We also need to remember that dropping a few chlorine tabs in a bucket of ammonia by the ventilation system is key. You know, it's all about playing quality basketball."

"After about five minutes on the set I realized what a bunch of idiots I would be up against so I decided to spend my three-week summer break crushing these morons," said Belichick, sifting through a stack of several dozen vinyl disco records taken from his latest haul.