Patriots

"After about five minutes on the set I realized what a bunch of idiots I would be up against so I decided to spend my three-week summer break crushing these morons," said Belichick, sifting through a stack of several dozen vinyl disco records taken from his latest haul.

"I could hardly believe my eyes when I opened that box and saw the Patriots won again," said a youngster named Sonkwe. "I've never seen a football game in my life, but I've been wearing my Patriots '19-0 Perfect Season' T-shirt every Sunday for four years. It reminds me that anything is possible."

In surprising fashion, Patriots' coach Bill Belichick blamed his team's Super Bowl XLVI loss on the gray sweatshirt he wears on the sidelines of most games. Supposedly, the monogrammed sweatshirt with "B.B." on it was only double-washed from the AFC Championship game as opposed to being triple-washed, which is what Belichick specifically asked for at the team's hotel laundry room.

Seconds after Tom Brady’s ill-fated Hail Mary sealed the Giants’ win over the Patriots in the Super Bowl, Giselle Bundchen sent an email to a select list of family and friends stating that she was leaving Tom to take up with Eli Manning.

While Giants’ players doused Tom Coughlin in a celebratory Gatorade shower, Bill Belichick received a scolding hot reminder that his team came up short in Super Bowl XLVI.

The New York Giants' website accidentally provided bulletin board material for the Patriots by posting photos an angry, yet presumably celebratory Tom Coughlin at Disney World.