Patriots

"Bill will not be allowed to participate in any aspect of the 5-hour program. No interviews. No canned speeches in the locker room. Nothing," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "With this punishment, we can finally put the whole scandal behind us and remind people this is a game filled with integrity, presented by Mercedes and Bud Light."

It's not just the biggest sporting event of 2015. Super Bowl XLIX is also the most important advertising day of the year, when the world's most noteworthy brands unveil their best commercials. Thanks to this handy bingo board, you can play (or drink) along as the ads are unveiled.

After the New England Patriots declared they didn't alter their footballs in any manner and attributed the fluctuations in pressure to cold temperatures, skeptics pounced. One such individual was Bill Nye, noted thermal engineering expert and all-around creepy genius, who claimed that the explanation given by the Patriots was an absolute scientific impossibility.

"It seems like all anybody cares about is scandal and cheating," said Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. "So, we decided to invent a little drama of our own by injecting ourselves with steroids during Wednesday's press conference. Unfortunately, the needles just reminded the reporters of air pumps, and they decided to ask us how we felt about the whole 'DeflateGate' thing."

The mood on Capitol Hill was somber Friday afternoon. A bipartisan committee of high-ranking officials from the Senate and the House demanded answers, and clearly there are no bigger priorities right now for our nation’s highly compensated public servants.

"Oh, if you thought that the deflated balls were something, you ain't seen nothing yet," an unusually eager Belichick told reporters. "Like, and I'm just spitballing here, you know how receivers wear gloves? I know the guy that supplies the gloves. I could try filling the Seahawks' gloves with nicotine patches."

ESPN reported Tuesday night that 11 of the Patriots' 12 balls were deflated for Sunday's AFC Championship against the Colts, which has Bill Belichick in a tizzy. The surly New England coach promptly fired...