Boston

The Red Sox finally received compensation for Theo Epstein from the Cubs in the form of a right handed pitcher named Chris Carpenter – unfortunately nobody told new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine the it wasn’t the Cy Young-winning Chris Carpenter.

Former Celtics star Larry Bird was voted onto his 34th consecutive Eastern Conference All-Star team earlier this week, barely edging out LeBron James as the starting forward for the team—showing that the legend’s stranglehold on the position may be compromised sometime within the next half century.

"I could hardly believe my eyes when I opened that box and saw the Patriots won again," said a youngster named Sonkwe. "I've never seen a football game in my life, but I've been wearing my Patriots '19-0 Perfect Season' T-shirt every Sunday for four years. It reminds me that anything is possible."

In surprising fashion, Patriots' coach Bill Belichick blamed his team's Super Bowl XLVI loss on the gray sweatshirt he wears on the sidelines of most games. Supposedly, the monogrammed sweatshirt with "B.B." on it was only double-washed from the AFC Championship game as opposed to being triple-washed, which is what Belichick specifically asked for at the team's hotel laundry room.

Seconds after Tom Brady’s ill-fated Hail Mary sealed the Giants’ win over the Patriots in the Super Bowl, Giselle Bundchen sent an email to a select list of family and friends stating that she was leaving Tom to take up with Eli Manning.

While Giants’ players doused Tom Coughlin in a celebratory Gatorade shower, Bill Belichick received a scolding hot reminder that his team came up short in Super Bowl XLVI.