Boston

Late Thursday night, baseball historians at the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y., accidentally dug up what has proved to be the authentic birth certificate for Wrigley Field, revealing its date of birth as April 30, 1899, confirming the venerable old park to be 113 years old, over a decade older than the historic home of the Green Monster.

People of Boston have reported seeing a masked man all over town. He’s been spotted in sushi restaurants, shopping centers, and most recently entering the player’s entrance at Fenway Park. The identity of the man remained a mystery until yesterday when it was revealed that the menace was none other than Red Sox Manager Bobby Valentine.

"It's not necessarily that I think Ward's here illegally and thereby inherently unable to compete in our league," said Thomas, who refused to visit President Obama in the White House because of his political beliefs. "I'm just a concerned citizen who wants to make sure Joel Ward is not ineligible to score a decisive overtime goal on me."

As Fenway Park commemorated its 100th anniversary last weekend, Red Sox Nation’s adulation turned to horror on Saturday when their beloved BoSox took the enthusiastic crowd on a metaphorical trip back to 1912 and reenacted what appeared to be their own spontaneous interpretation of the voyage of the ill-fated Titanic.

According to Epstein, when Bowden arrived in Chicago, he learned both pitchers are six-foot-four, 220 pounds and have eerily similar throwing motions. Oddly, both answer to the name "Chris" or "Carp."

"You can't blame them for leaving," said a Boston Red Sox player who asked not to be named. "You grow up eating fried chicken before, during, and after ballgames. And now, it's all gone."

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”