Boston

When the Red Sox visited Wrigley Field this weekend, everyone expected Theo Epstein to have mixed emotions when facing his old team, but no one thought he'd react quite the way he did when the Cubs president locked himself in Boston's clubhouse and refused to leave until he was granted out of his five-year contract with Chicago.

"I said extend the series, not draw more attention to the league's corruption," said Stern. "Rigging the lottery was tough enough, now I have to deal with the Celtics letting LeBron [James] pour in 45? Let's make it a little believable guys."

As the few diehards left the American Airlines Arena after their team’s game 5 loss to the Celtics, one encouraging young fan shouted the words that may forever go down in infamy: “Good effort. Good job.”

"We just can't give up easy lay-ups," Rondo added. "We also need to remember that dropping a few chlorine tabs in a bucket of ammonia by the ventilation system is key. You know, it's all about playing quality basketball."

"After about five minutes on the set I realized what a bunch of idiots I would be up against so I decided to spend my three-week summer break crushing these morons," said Belichick, sifting through a stack of several dozen vinyl disco records taken from his latest haul.

"I'm thrilled to be back in Chicago," said Prior. "There are no words to describe the feeling of taking Kerry's spot on the DL. Very big shoes to fill."

"Man, that's embarrassing," said one fan, seen shaking his head outside the Finch and Bull Pub. "As an Irish guy from South Boston, I was always proud of Willie O'Ree and Terry O'Reilly. Now I guess I'm just proud of O'Reilly."