Baltimore

"With the popularity of Kaepernicking and the sheer volume of customers that come through here during game week, we could be looking at a few grand a night for simply kissing a guy's bicep tattoo. The price is actually triple if the tattoo is located anywhere besides the bicep."

"This will be better than Madonna, Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli all rolled up into one," she said. "I've been studying 'Blame it on the Rain' for weeks and I think I can top it."

John Benson, a resident of Silver Spring, Maryland claims to have been a fan of the Washington Capitals before the team acquired star player Alex Ovechkin. Although it is hard to believe, the team did exist before Ovechkin, who locals affectionately refer to as "Ovie."

R.A. Dickey's recent one-hitter against the Baltimore Orioles was his second consecutive one-hit performance and Baltimore's manager is crediting the knuckleballer's success to a massive conspiracy implicating every single umpire in baseball.

"It was actually an easier decision than you might think," GM Brian Cashman said Sunday. "Because we lost both games of the first 1/81st portion of the season, we can't come back and become a successful playoff team come October. I mean, if this team doesn't win every single game of every season, then there is no reason to think we can be good."

In order to vent their frustrations about kickers sealing their fate in both the NFC and AFC Championship games, Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the 49ers, and John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, will spend the day seeking out and beating mercilessly any kickers they can get their hands on.

By Rick Atkinson. Click for a larger version.