Nationwide

“While we appreciate everything that Kentucky’s coach John Calipari has done to contribute by sending players to the NBA, we cannot condone the pay cuts that our free agents will take to sign with UK," Roberts stated in a press release.

"SB Nation, Bleacher Report and Deadspin all need to check their facts," said a spokesman for the Associated Press. "Either that, or maybe come up with a new way to say that a defender was fooled by a basketball move."

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

Along with the whooshes and zings made by moving stock cars, NASCAR officials announced other sounds listed as popular in the survey, such as ratcheting pit-crew repairs and crunching, smoldering crashes, would be translated into closed captioning as well.

“I feel good about this season,” the 275-pound Fielder said. “This is the first spring training I’ve shown up to where I don’t feel like I can get any bigger, so that can only mean good things for me.”

As for the former Yankee great, he couldn’t be happier. After all, with the post-season ban in place on Jackie Robinson West, there’s no pressure on A-Rod to perform whatsoever, and that’s typically when he does best, in meaningless exhibition and regular season games.

"We live in a dynamic media world comprised of digital and traditional channels," said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "If NBC is going to charge $4.5 million per Super Bowl commercial while everybody in America is busy playing on Facebook, we feel it's time to monetize what the big blue thumb brings to the big game."