Nationwide

“First in the Central Division. First in the National League. First in violating cyber-security worldwide, every American is grateful for the Cardinals diligence in cracking these uber-secured websites,” Mr. Obama said in a White House Rose Garden ceremony.

In a move that almost makes too much sense, embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced he will be leaving soccer’s governing body so that he can bring his much needed leadership skills to the JRW All-Stars, Chicago’s controversial Little League team.

"The call came and I was surprised, but when you're an actor you have to be ready for any role," stated Cooper. "It's unfortunate about Tom's suspension, but this is the role of a lifetime. I get to step in for the Super Bowl MVP. It's a bonus this happened now as I get to have a full off-season and training camp with the first team. I'll have my lines down for Pittsburgh."

The man many thought to be above the law was deemed in clear violation of the one rule you just can’t break on a party bus, and that’s lowering the PSI in the kegerator, thus upping the foam count to unacceptable levels, right before the big Friday night kegger with Beta House at the University of Delaware.

“I remember back in the 1990s when our entire team lived at Turtle Creek,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “Those were some great times, and I’m excited to be able to reconnect with many of our old friends there.”

“We knew going in that this was our ace in the hole,” Sultan told reporters. “Nobody—judge, jury, or executioner—can deny that skills this nasty belong on a football field, not locked in a cell."

“I was told that Ulis and Lyles had stopped attending their Physical Recreation course in February, so I realized at that point that they could very well be one and done,” said Calipari. “Those two ball kids, however, could probably have used another year in school, but they’re sure to find gainful employment in the NBA D League.”