Breaking!

"Who needs a kicker when you have a defense like this, am I right?" asked Nagy, as he nonchalantly shook a black Magic 8 ball in his hand.

Last week, Matthew Stafford was obliterated by the Minnesota Vikings defense, getting sacked 10 times. This week, he faces a Bears defense that will likely feature a healthy Khalil Mack, and has dominated their past two opponents. We here at The Heckler care about Matthew Stafford's well-being, which is why we are presenting seven suggested ways he could avoid getting murdered by the Monsters of the Midway.

"They told me I've got to grow a gray mustache for as long as I want to coach this team," said Colliton. "Apparently Hawks fans are so in love with Joel Quenneville's facial hair that every coach they have in the future has to grow a mustache just like his."

Following their 41-9 defeat to the Chicago Bears, the ownership of the rebuilding Buffalo Bills has admitted that the team is still many years away from losing another Super Bowl.

The Bears defense, with its NFC-leading 11 interceptions, has spent much of the week preparing for how they'll celebrate their pick-sixes against the struggling Bills and their awful backup QB Nathan Peterman.

“Whether it’s entering the game due to an injury, poor performance, a blowout, or a combination of all three, this could be a great redemption opportunity for me," said Barkley. "Just look at what Nick Mullens did from the third string for the Niners Thursday night.”