Breaking!

Last week, announcers from coast to coast participated in the inaugural Altoids Announcer Figure Skating Championships. Representing Chicago were Steve Stone paired with Ken 'Hawk' Harrelson and Len Kasper paired with Bob Brenly.

Captain Serious and Mr. MVP are on a path towards a new level of consciousness. And they're taking their respective teams along with them.

Anyone who thought Brett Favre would quietly drift into retirement ... thought wrong. According to sources, Aaron Rodgers' Super Bowl win left Favre furious, and ultimately caused him to put off retirement once again.

After completing three months of conventional anger management training with a psychologist last fall, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano was further advised by his faith healer to visit the calm and cleansing desert.

Captain Jonathan Toews, previously thought to be incorruptible, was spotted playing BINGO at 8 p.m. the night before Sunday’s home game against the Phoenix Coyotes.

Cubs marketing wizard Wally Hayward anticipated a herd of eager fans practically throwing their hard-earned cash at his ticket sales force when single game seats went on sale this morning, but instead all he got was the sound of crickets. A few fans lined up early but by the middle of the afternoon crowd control staffers outnumbered fans buying tickets at the Wrigley box office. Those trying to buy tickets online or over the phone reported far shorter wait times than previous years.

While Cubs fans huddled in the cold for their annual late-winter ticket-buying spree, they were greeted by a familiar, yet unexpected face.