Breaking!

Thanks to the lockout and a hot start for the Rangers, Jerry J might have some competition in Texas.

When the Cubs reacquired Reed Johnson this off-season, they hoped the outfielder would infuse some scrappiness into an otherwise comatose clubhouse. Instead, the team has found that Johnson has morphed into all-sock and no scrap.

“Looking back on it, we see now how a coin flip wouldn’t be fair to either team," said Stern. "After debating a wide range of solutions, the league has decided that, in the event of the Bulls and Spurs sharing the same regular season record, home court advantage throughout this year’s playoffs will be determined by the winner of a muay thai cage match between Brian Scalabrine and Matt Bonner."

Vancouver's high-scoring twins Henrik and Daniel Sedin powered the Canucks to the league's best record this season, but underneath it all, they're a pair of softies as evidenced by their recent appearance at a mall wearing matching sweaters their grandmother knitted them.

Citing his unwillingness to adapt the league to keep up with professional football and basketball — as well as an unbearable “old man smell” — baseball owners voted Bud Selig out as MLB Commissioner. The lone dissenting vote came from Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, also a crotchety old man.

"I'm going to be puffin' on Hindu Kush, Maui Wowee, Panama Red and of course all the BC varieties, and it'll all be totally legal," said Hawks fan Don Jeffreys.

“We would like to think that this team right now could have its own identity,” said Paxson, “But fans and writers just won’t let that happen. No matter how successful this team is for years to come, it’ll never get out of Michael’s shadow, so why fight it?”