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"Days like Tuesday have been hard to come by," said WGN meteorologist Tom Skilling. "We had a low pressure front bringing warm, dry air from the West but unfortunately it was met by god-awful pitching and untimely hitting from the Cubs. Can you believe they gave up a five-run inning in each game? Kind of makes me want to vomit."

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment to say the least,” said defense attorney Sheldon Sorosky. “I’m sure Rod would rather do 15 years of hard time in the general population at Cook County than have to suffer through the next 25 years of his life as a die-hard Cubs fan.”

"It seems like our guys only really show up for the opener, for whatever reason," said Mike Quade who said he got the idea after Monday's makeup game victory over Colorado. "So we'll just keep playing only the first game of each series for the rest of the season."

Cubs outfielder Marlon Byrd returned to baseball this week after getting hit in the face with a pitch last month in Boston. During his first minor league rehab game for the Triple-A Iowa Cubs, Byrd got hit by another pitch, this one in the back. It was just another in a long line of ignored warnings from the baseball gods that Byrd immediately leave the sport.

A recent study has found the New York Mets' fanbase is in fact populated by a majority of red-headed stepchildren, which accounts for the way they're treated by the rest of the baseball world.

“A fun work environment. Zero accountability. Giant salaries. This company has it all,” gushed Crain’s reporter Paul Jenson. “Honestly, we could have awarded them the top spot based solely on GM Jim Hendry still being employed there.”

Shortly after trading away Brian Campbell and Troy Brouwer, Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman expressed disappointment about the eight or nine players on the roster that had major roles in winning the Stanley Cup in 2010.