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To help correct the team's poor baserunning habits, Cubs players have been studying crib sheets full of helpful tips, such as "no cartwheels" and "the pitcher's mound is not fourth base."

The Cubs and White Sox announced today they are cancelling all games against other teams in the second half of the season. For the entire stretch following the All-Star break until October, the Chicago teams will play only each other in what is being called the "Crosstown Marathon."

After striking out for the 100th time in just 67 games this season, White Sox slugger Adam Dunn has been praised by GM Kenny Williams and environmental groups alike for his tireless efforts to combat global warming, while making U.S. Cellular one of the most environmentally friendly stadiums in all of baseball.

After Cubs manager Mike Quade defended his calling out of shortstop Starlin Castro for a lack of hustle on a play in Sunday’s game, and said he would do the same to veteran players, the skipper also stated he would give other players timeouts, if necessary, as he has to Cubs rookie Tony Campana.

“It is hilarious,” said the Commander In-Chief as his wife shredded his copy. “I mean, look at this article: 'Alfonso Soriano fitted with scissor hands to trim ivy at Wrigley Field between innings.' That’s a lot more entertaining to me than watching my lovely daughter Sasha play some silly instrument.”

Derek Jeter recently insisted his decline in offensive productivity and fielding prowess had nothing to do with aging or his relationship with the Charlie’s Angel star, Minka Kelly. Instead, he claims, carpal tunnel is the culprit.

"Nick looked really good in the batter's box," said GM Jim Hendry. "I decided he'd be a great addition to this club so I made a little magic happen and signed him to a three-deal, $18 million deal."