Yankees announce more Jeter milestones in hopes he’ll once again rise to occasion
“Did you know the all-time record of 2-out base hits against an American League team located in Illinois is 17?” asked manager Joe Girardi. “And our leadoff batter is just two clutch hits away from surpassing that mark.”
Kane to miss prime drinking season with wrist injury
"It sucks, bro," said Kane, who uses the injured left hand primarly for lifting pints, shots and Jager bombs. "That's my go-to boozing arm. It leaves my right hand free for scoring digits from the babes, taking cell phone photos and keeping cab drivers in line."
Walgreens Bat Boy decides to sit in the visitor’s dugout
“I guess I’m no longer a kid,” said Phillip Marston, who is 13 years old. “I’m just another cynical adult who realizes the Cubs are a pathetic bunch of losers.”
Heckler Comic: Nowitzki casts big shadow in Big D
Following his team's championship, Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki is stealing some of the limelight from other Dallas athletes.
Brewers worried K-Rod may wreak havoc on fans’ fragile, clogged hearts
Brewers manager Ron Roenicke announced today that newly acquired Francisco Rodriguez will be setting up John Axford for the remainder of the season. He was cryptic in his reasoning, but it is believed he made the decision with overweight fans in mind.
Roger Clemens celebrates mistrial with cool, refreshing glass of HGH
"Now that I get a break from all this legal stress, nothing satisfies my thirst better than a good old-fashioned glass of HGH, just like Brian McNamee used to make," the retired pitcher told reporters.
Heckler Comic: The seagulls pick up a habit from fans at Wrigley
Not to be outdone by Cubs fans, the Wrigley Field Seagulls have started texting at the game.
