Breaking!

In a preemptive strike to avoid backlash from political-correctness watchdogs and Weather Channel pundits, the NHL’s Carolina Hurricanes announced today that they are changing their name to the Wizards after Hurricane Irene left a large path of destruction along the East Coast this weekend.

“Babies at a very young age can sense a traumatic moment in their life,” said the family's doctor. “Little Michael was perceptive enough to understand for his entire life he would be associated with the tragedy of this team.”

Do you know this guy? He's wearing a Cubs jersey and went nuts after Milwaukee's Corey Hart hit a homer at Miller Park Saturday night. We'd like to ask him a few questions.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

The Mets have acquired Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw, but not in the conventional way. Starting in the 2012 season, the Mets and Dodgers will be combined to form one “Super Team.”

Cubs players and management have long been exempt from the hassles of Wrigleyville parking thanks to the special lot they call can access just west of the stadium. All of them, that is, except manager Mike Quade.

Authorities have arrested Florida Panthers GM Dale Tallon after the former Hawks exec reportedly tried to clone half a dozen Chicago players using DNA obtained from stolen practice equipment.