Breaking!

“We can’t wait to have him in the lineup,” Boston manager Terry Francona beamed. “We will preheat the oven at 350 an hour before the Yankee series. He should be warmed up and ready to go in no time. He doesn’t need batting practice. He’s Ted Williams!”

"I've seen people wearing shirts that say Jesus hates both the Packers and the Bears, so I consulted His Holiness for clarification in my prayers this morning," said O'Malley. "Through His graciousness and kindness, Jesus replied to me that it's the Packers, not the Bears, that bear the weight of his scorn and hatred."

“We have to protect Jay [Cutler],” said Martz. “And what better way than the triple-flea-flicker-draw? First you think it’s a run, then a pass, then a run … then wait, Jay has it again? Finally Forte runs it right up the gut. Now that’s what I call balance.”

"Listen, if Tim Tebow ordered that meal, he'd go with a Spicy Chicken sandwich meal," said one frustrated fan who witnessed the incident. "Maybe he'd even get chili as a side. That's the kind of order that inspires leadership. That’s the kind of order that can push a team to victory."

Green Bay linebacker Clay Matthews has announced that on Sunday, for the second time in his life, he will braid his hair into pigtails. The previous braiding was done for some glamour shots he took back in college.

Mets GM Sandy Alderson proudly announced in a press conference Thursday that in order to save money for the cash-starved franchise, players will have to cover their own expenses next season including equipment, uniforms, travel, lodging and meals.

“If you’re blind or have your eyes closed, this is a non-issue,” said owner Jeffrey Loria. “We really think people are getting bent out of shape about a problem that only affects 99% of the population.”